The Friend Nobody Likes

I've heard it said many times that every group of friends has one person that nobody likes. I've also never found this to be untrue.

Recently, my friends and I have been trying to plan a girls night and have been struggling with whether or not to invite our friend nobody likes (FNL). We initially decided that it would be wrong not to include her in our plans, but have since changed our minds. This particular friend tends to be one of two extremes: she's either a total Debbie Downer, complaining about the chosen group activity/venue; or Manic Mary, constantly talking about what a great time she's having, while preventing everyone else from having one. To tell the truth, I suspect she's bi-polar. The problem here is, we already invited her out with us and are now stuck. Currently we're debating the ethics of telling her we all canceled for whatever reason and then going out anyway, leaving her at home.

Basically, what I'm saying here is, we're horrible people. But we're ok with that. In fact, we like it that way. At least we know we're mean, and we don't generally apologize for it. If someone gets their feelings hurt because of something we do or say, it's their own fault. We warned them long before we offended them that it was coming and there's nothing they could do to stop it.

The problem with the FNL in our case is that she just isn't mean. She complains. A lot. But she doesn't quite have the intestinal fortitude to be just flat out mean to people. I think that's what makes her the FNL. Like I said, we're not good people. We don't do nice, nor do we tolerate it in our friends. We equate niceness with the need to be liked, which is not at all ok by us. Our FNL comes off as needy and annoying and in constant search of attention.

Also, why is it that the FNL is always the most consistent with the keep-in-touch facebook wall post? And does every FNL copy and paste the same message on everyone's profile rather than tailoring it to the specific person? God forbid, the FNL discovers the PING feature on Blackberry Messenger. I've run into this problem myself with our own needy little FNL. Thirty pings, just to "see what it does." It makes me want to strangle you, that's what it does, for future reference.

I have many questions about how one truly becomes an FNL and the proper way to inform someone of their FNL status.

Can we send them to FNL finishing school like the girls from Flavor & Rock of Love? I'm sure Vh1 is hurting for programming, what with the same recycled ideas being pawned off as "new and exciting twists" on old so-called "favorites." You know, I think I'd actually watch a reality show full of FNLs, simply for the hilarity of watching them try to prove the worth of their friendship to some celebrity judge. I think I'd pick Lisa Kudrow to host, I never really liked her on that show. She was America's FNL.