The Friend Nobody Likes

I've heard it said many times that every group of friends has one person that nobody likes. I've also never found this to be untrue.

Recently, my friends and I have been trying to plan a girls night and have been struggling with whether or not to invite our friend nobody likes (FNL). We initially decided that it would be wrong not to include her in our plans, but have since changed our minds. This particular friend tends to be one of two extremes: she's either a total Debbie Downer, complaining about the chosen group activity/venue; or Manic Mary, constantly talking about what a great time she's having, while preventing everyone else from having one. To tell the truth, I suspect she's bi-polar. The problem here is, we already invited her out with us and are now stuck. Currently we're debating the ethics of telling her we all canceled for whatever reason and then going out anyway, leaving her at home.

Basically, what I'm saying here is, we're horrible people. But we're ok with that. In fact, we like it that way. At least we know we're mean, and we don't generally apologize for it. If someone gets their feelings hurt because of something we do or say, it's their own fault. We warned them long before we offended them that it was coming and there's nothing they could do to stop it.

The problem with the FNL in our case is that she just isn't mean. She complains. A lot. But she doesn't quite have the intestinal fortitude to be just flat out mean to people. I think that's what makes her the FNL. Like I said, we're not good people. We don't do nice, nor do we tolerate it in our friends. We equate niceness with the need to be liked, which is not at all ok by us. Our FNL comes off as needy and annoying and in constant search of attention.

Also, why is it that the FNL is always the most consistent with the keep-in-touch facebook wall post? And does every FNL copy and paste the same message on everyone's profile rather than tailoring it to the specific person? God forbid, the FNL discovers the PING feature on Blackberry Messenger. I've run into this problem myself with our own needy little FNL. Thirty pings, just to "see what it does." It makes me want to strangle you, that's what it does, for future reference.

I have many questions about how one truly becomes an FNL and the proper way to inform someone of their FNL status.

Can we send them to FNL finishing school like the girls from Flavor & Rock of Love? I'm sure Vh1 is hurting for programming, what with the same recycled ideas being pawned off as "new and exciting twists" on old so-called "favorites." You know, I think I'd actually watch a reality show full of FNLs, simply for the hilarity of watching them try to prove the worth of their friendship to some celebrity judge. I think I'd pick Lisa Kudrow to host, I never really liked her on that show. She was America's FNL.

The Wii is Evil. Or, Why I've Decided to Stick With Xbox

So there I was, perusing the video game section of my local Best Buy, attempting to make selections for my upcoming holiday wish list. I spotted the Wii from across the aisle, and it called to me. It said "Emily!Come and try your hand at my games of skill!"

And so I approached, intrigued by its nun-chuck-like controller. I attempted first the game of virtual bowling, reasoning that I could fare no worse than in my real life trials. Ah, but I was wrong!For the mischievous Wii had branded me a southpaw, and my struggles were many. I watched time after time as the ball listed slightly to the left and ultimately landed in the gutter. And the Wii mocked me, and taunted me to try again.

Broken and bruised, I navigated back to the Wii menu (a brutal task in and of itself!) determined to defeat the infernal machine at something. Surely baseball, I thought, would find me victorious. Oh, my misconception! I meandered up to the plate, still battling a left handed handicap. My foe pitched the ball, but alas, my view was impeded by the bat. After striking out several times, I again returned to the Wii menu, licking my wounds.

"I'll best you yet!" I warned the devious console as I selected tennis. The ball was served, and I swung vigorously. Perhaps too vigorously. I suddenly found myself entangled in a wretched cord attached to the Wii. The clever demon had imprisoned me! Then, as if to throw salt in my wounds, a young child began to laugh as I tried to free myself. I escaped from the grasp of the devil just in time to save my hide, and live to tell the tale.

So be warned, and take heed! Be wary of the temptress Wii, and keep your distance, lest ye fall victim to its enticing death trap.